AFTER ALL, IT IS MY CHOICE.

You might be surprised with something that I will tell you at the end of this post unless you are in the same boat as mine or you’re an open-minded person.

I am thankful to be borne in a family who knows about the religion. I knew the basic rules in Islam since I was a kid but just because I didn’t reach my puberty yet on that time, I had never taken this as a serious issue. With that note, when I was a kid, I tried everything that against my religion. I didn’t cover my aurat properly & love to wear dresses when I was a kid, I didn’t mind touching guys hands which makes people called me with such a nasty word which I think it would come across your mind by now and when I’m grown up now, I think they shouldn’t say that because I was just a kid and not a grown up adult who really knows what I am doing & any simple things that you think kids can do but not when they reach their puberty. I remember I told my dad, I didn’t want to wear hijab until I reach my puberty which is the time all my sins will be counted and put me into the hell fire with all the sins that have been made.

Personally saying, I somehow feel what I did when I was a kid was right because now I know how it feels to be free hair in public, to wear dresses & etc.

I am not being proud of but I can tell you; I am grateful to be borne in a family who knows the religion quite well but unfortunately, I am far away to be compared with my family members. My dad always asks me to perform my prayers early, my mom always reminds me to perform dhuha because the amazing virtues in it plus some other good deeds & my brother always advises me to cover my aurat perfectly. Hence, there are so much more to be listed and I thanked Him for this small family of mine which I love every single of them dearly even though I might get annoyed with them sometimes. #honestyisthebestpolicy

Since I came to university, everything is on my own. No one asks me if I have prayed or not, no one asks me to recite Quran so my day will go smoothly, no one advises me about my aurat, no one will tell me the one that I am doing is Haram because it somehow normal for these days era and I started to miss my family members, my friends & my old environment where people are aware of what is haram & halal, the environment where people influence me to become a better person day by day & etc.

I am not saying everyone here in my new environment is bad just in case you want to jump to a conclusion and at one point, I do see the bright side of me being in this environment which is; it will be easier for me to encounter with so many more people in the coming years or maybe once I am working in the least Muslims people in the company or country.

I remembered when I was in SBP, students are told to recite al-mulk before they sleep which wasn’t my routine at all before I came there for 6 months & two days #cantstandanylonger #sorry , I saw people reciting Quran in between Maghrib and Isha’ which made me doing the same thing sometimes, performed prayers as early as possible and it started to become a routine in my life but in university I am on my own. It is up to me if I feel like going to pray jemaah or procrastinate to the very last minute.

P/S: I did pray at the very last minute sometimes in SBP just in case you think I am being all pure here.

The first non-muhrim I shook hand with was Benjamin. I swear to God, my brain might not functioning at that time. The next guy was Jason but it was a high-five. I felt very bad right after both situations and I remembered I prayed seeking for forgiveness due to that reason. Then, it was Oscar who lent his hands but for that I managed to put my hands on my chest & with that gesture, he knew I didn’t shake hands with guys and from that, I became more firm on shaking my soft hands with non-muhrim. :p

Weeks passed by and now is the event that I volunteered. We tested some games beforehand and I managed to help my group on gaining some points and suddenly there’s a guy made hand gesture for high five. He’s so happy and I freeze for a few seconds but somehow managed to look around and there are so many other volunteers as well and I am afraid if he will be embarrassed if I declined even though in a polite manner. Little did I know with that high five, I need to encounter a lot more shaking & touching hands with guys because I somehow thought it was no more rational for me to explain to them that a muslim has a barrier with his/her non-muhrim (which was so wrong because I still can do so when I think about it again now) plus I was the only muslim in that event which makes every explanation on me. ;]

I remembered there’s one moment from the certificates giving, I told myself that I won’t shake my hands with the person who gave the certificate to me but suddenly after a few volunteers names had been called, they called another person from the head event to give the certificate and it happens to be a good-looking guy and with that reason, I let my hands to be shaken by him and his hand is way bigger than mine. Hahaha.

P/S: Don’t ever fall on a good-looking person otherwise you’ll do something you shouldn’t do.

After shaking my hands with him, I swear I feel so so so regret on doing that and I set my target on these coming semesters be it in my foundation or degree years, I won’t shake hands with any non-muhrim after this and will be a better person as I believe everyone can change.

For those who read this & think that I am a bad person, I do understand and I won’t blame you because it might be you haven’t been in the situation and this blog post is superficial.

Btw, do pray for me & everyone in this world to be a better person so all of us will end up in the greatest heaven together.

Love,

Hanis.

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