RATHER BEING ALONE

I know I supposed to be with my books or watching videos regarding my studies but I just don’t feel the mood of studying for my finals currently which put me on a risk. Instead, I feel like blogging my so outdated blog! Anyway, this blog post has nothing to do with my studies in university despite it is about friends.

How important it is for you to have friends? As for me having friends around me is indeed important especially when I spent most of my time in a place where it is far away from home but little did I know that one day I will opt for being alone instead of having friends who don’t suit me well. I mean, I can’t stand dealing with people which I am not comfortable with otherwise I will get pissed off and there’s even one point where I don’t feel that having friends are important.  Anyhow, people have this one conception where if you’re alone, you’re a loner and there must be a few reasons that make you alone but little did they know that you’re just comfortable with being that way.

I’m so bad in making friends at first and I am aware of it. So, before I came to university, I asked my seniors how did they make friends during the first day of uni and I did all of the tips given to me but some of them just didn’t suit my condition. Examples of the tips are; I need to make the first move and not expecting people to do so and the list goes on but the utmost tip which will probably work is I need to be a smart student so people will recognize me and started to be friend with me.  However, my performance in my first few weeks or let us just say semester isn’t outstanding enough for me to stand out among my friends. It wasn’t easy for me to cope with the modules since all of them are in english and I have been learning in malay for the past 7 years of my life plus, I forgot most of the things that I have studied in SPM. Anyway, after two and half months conversing, listening and studying in english, I get comfortable with it and start to understand it easily. I can say that during this semester naught, it is more about me adapting to the university’s life instead of studying and get good grades.

I think I have no luck in making friends for this time. During the first day, we had a fresher’s night after my registration and I was so eager to go there just to make friends but only a few students came and it didn’t turn out like how I expected it to be and on the second day, it was an induction day but the girls who I sat next with had known each other which I think they’re from same high school because they seem so closed. I did make a few conversations with them but it just so tense because I am not good at making conversation with people that I don’t know and I’m not even friendly at first point. The other reason was everyone here is talking in english and I started my conversation in malay which was such a shame because I thought malay people will talk in malay because during the fresher’s night they are talking in fully malay so I assumed every malay here will probably be talking in malay which was so wrong. Next, I’m not so good in conversing in english which makes me sink because I need to think of my next word but alhamdulillah now it’s getting better and easier. On our next session of induction which was in the evening, I sat beside the other girl but unfortunately, she’s an outsider. I remembered I cried once and prayed that He will grant me lots of friends before I came for the next session and yes he did grant it by giving two beautiful angels who were so nice, sitting next to me and have made my life in university easier and we are still friends until now but there’re few things that make our friendship fades by the time which I’ll tell you later. At night, we had our dinner together and they were talking about movies they watched during the long break that all of us had after SPM and I’m lost in the conversation because my internet at home is so slow so I didn’t watch any movie during the break. Then, the next day was the weekend and one of them went back and left me with the other one which made me so glad because I have friend when I thought I won’t have friends in a few days. During the weekend, she told me about herself and I was totally amazed because I wasn’t at that level. We then met a guy and we are friends until now. Our circle of friends gets bigger now and we currently have 9 people in a group but I kind of left out from the group due to a few reasons and let us just consider I am not in that group. I think I just don’t like having a group of friends because I feel like I have to deal with so many people in my life. For example, if I am in that group I need to stick with them for most of the time and in the lecture hall we sat at a very back of lecture hall which is so not me, so I take a decision to sit in front without them. Of course, I need to prioritize my studies even though I want to have friends with me, but I’m just fine with it by the time goes. Then, when I have done lunch with them, I will go separately and do my own stuff because I can’t stay there for so long and talked non-related to studies which I feel like I am wasting my time while my parents are working all day long to pay my tuition fees & living cost. Next, when it comes to studying, I just not used to study in a group and I prefer to study by my own with silence. So, those three things make me left out from them but we are still friends and I ain’t regret on the decision I took.

Instead of them, I did make friends with others but it just turned out to be a hye-bye kind of friends.

Oh btw, there are none of my friends in university get into my social medias just yet. LOL!

I even helped some people when I see their effort to make friends with others since He has put me with lots of friends so I don’t want others who don’t manage to have friends yet feel lonely and homesick. Unfortunately, there’s just one point, I end up feeling uncomfortable with some of them because I don’t like waiting for people when I’m being punctual, dirty while I have an OCD, sarcastic or harsh and those silly reasons just again make our friendship fades by the time.

And there’s one friend of mine, which we used to be friend and until one day I sense that she’s using me for her own sake and now she’s on my blacklist. I even deleted her number. Yes, it sounds silly but it hurts to know when someone you helped during her lows and now when she’s on top of the world she just ditched you like a waste. All in all, I still pray the best for her in all forms but I really hope she  will be the last person I met.

Before I took the decision to be alone, it is actually because a few days before I have seen some people who are walking alone, doing their stuff without dealing with other people and I feel like it’s going to be fine for me to go by myself as I don’t see them like a loner or what other people’s think. From there I started to just do my own stuff. I mean, I still be with my friends but at the same time or most of the time, I just don’t mind being by my own. However, that feeling doesn’t last until the end of semester when a few people started to realise that I always on my own and they started to ask me who I always hang out with and people start to think that I have no friends. Then, I started to feel uncomfortable whenever I am alone but I just erase that thought because I just like being that way and now I am just fine with it.

Apart from that, I don’t feel homesick even though I have no friends that suit me here and I hope I will never mix between friend’s stuff and my studies.

Honestly, now I rather be alone when I do something but at some point, I do need friends with me, real friends, who can be with me through highs and lows of my life here, for me to depend on and I will do the same thing as well for her but maybe the right one ain’t there yet for me.

Anyway, do pray for my finals peeps!

Side Note: What has written here is not the whole thing and what you read is just on the surface, so I hope you don’t jump into any conclusion and if you read this, please just make it between us.

Thank you for reading! 🙂

 

Love,

Hanis.

 

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