Part 1 : BE STRONG & SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL AWAITS YOU!

It had been a month I didn’t publish any blog posts and it was due to my busy not so busy schedule on March that made me put this thing aside. First week of March, I sat for my JPJ test which was really scary because I was pretty scared if I failed the test and it was not because of the payment for the repeat test but I thought, it would be very embarrassed if I failed because I took auto while most of my friends were taking manual and they passed with one test. Plus, my trainer is quite garang and this also made me scared if I need to repeat the test. I also became a facilitator on that week and even though the place had a lot of houseflies because it was near to chicken coop but it was an amazing experience I had, becoming a facilitator.

Btw, I thought of writing about my journey getting a license but it turned out to no avail because the next week was another scary week for me because SPM result will be announced and once the SPM result came out, I still had no time to blog because by the time I wrote something to publish, my brain started to scare me with some scholarships that I had not applied and telling me I could write this later. The following week was not so hectic but my brain just can’t put the sentences nicely and I kept deleting what I had written. It was fine when I drafted the essay that I wanted to write on my brain but when I started to write, everything that I had drafted was vanished in a blink of eyes but luckily today it isn’t!!!!!

So, I will be writing about my ups and downs during the last two years & I will start with something which was quite related before that.

I got 7A’s in my PT3 but not for Kemahiran Hidup (KH) and English, neither the writing nor the oral test. I wasn’t mind about my KH but not for my English result because I knew the marks for both of them were only a few marks to a better grade and when I told my grandmother that I didn’t manage to get A’s for my English papers, she said something that made me down but I couldn’t remember what was it. Hahaha.

So, whoever got A’s for mathematics and science in PT3 was eligible to be in the first class for science stream and I was one of them. It seemed like a little bit show off here but trust me, I didn’t mean to be proud of this little accomplishment and  I still consider myself as an amateur in English because I don’t know how to make it sounds nice without people who are reading this assume I was  being proud of myself.

When in primary school, I had been in a first class for all the six years but I wasn’t the top students in the class and when I was thirteen there’s no such thing as first class and it will only happen in the following year based on my result for final year exam but when the following year came, it was still unofficial about streaming the students since my batch was the first batch who took PBS and if I’m not mistaken, it would be complicated for the teachers because of the number of files we had, if they wanted to do the streaming. When I was fifteen they started to stream the students because we need to sit for PT3 and I wasn’t selected as a first class student. For real, who won’t be sad about this but there was something beautiful that I didn’t know would happen. I remember those days, I always in awe when I see first class students. Hahaha. When I was fourteen I used to hate mathematics a lot and I only knowa little about the syllabus for that year and same to history and I didn’t even know how important education was for my future and this made me into the other classes. It was really sad but at the end of the year 2013, I had a dream to be one of SBP or MRSM students. That was my goal. My mom started to teach me mathematics on December for the form two syllabus but for history, I didn’t put any effort to improve my grade. Literally, I love to know history of anything in this world but I hate to memorise the stuffs and luckily PT3 was an open book test for history so I didn’t need to read anything for the exam. I went for tuition on December 2013 as well as the whole year for 2014. The beautiful things were I was one of the top students in my class and I can teach my friends mathematics and here where I gained my confident to do well and my ranking in form started to accelerate. Other than that, I had amazing classmates who I used to adore them a lot. They are so kind and obey whatever Allah asked us to do. It was amazing and I started to be like them slowly but now I was a little bit a far from them and most of them had turned to such beautiful muslimah girls. So, the conclusion is, if things that you planned didn’t turn out like how you want, believe me there are something amazing awaits you but always be patient. Remember, God loves every one of us!

So, as I was qualified to be one of the first class students when I was sixteen, everything changed three hundred and sixty degree. I felt that I was not eligible to be with them because everyone of them is completely different. They are really smart. They blew my mind in so many ways such as the way they present in front of the class which terrified me to present and I always prayed the teachers won’t call my name. I had a bad habit whenever I present, which was I laughed out of sudden because to me it was funny to see everyone was focussed and listened on what I was talking. I know I am such a weirdo but I think now I had overcome the problem.  I amazed with every single things they did. They conversed in English, they understood add maths really fast while I’m still blur with what I had learned, the way they studied, their determination to achieve all A’s in every exams and SPM, the numbers of tuitions they attend which happened to be almost all subjects, the proper vision on what they want to do in their future, how well their English are and many more. So, these are among the reasons why I want to come out from SBP which you will read soon!

P/S : If you are still not in your form five and haven’t been in the first class during your high school year, I really encouraged you to study and do well in your exams and be a first class student because I think I turned into a better person because of my classmates, my surroundings and make sure you be friend with everybody because every single of them is amazing in their own way and you can learn with them as well.

However, the first few weeks was a bit hard for me to adapt the new environment since I wasn’t a friendly type before and I can’t make a conversation with people who I rarely talk with but I’m okay if they started the conversation first. But luckily I sit beside Fajwa which I never talked to before but God blessed her soul because she is an easy-going, humble and kind person indeed and she made me fine with the new environment.  She is one of my classmates that I adore because the way she did the presentation. Oh dear, I can picture everything now. Then, during BM’s classes we usually need to do presentation and write something on the mah-jong paper but I am the only one who once in a while participate in the discussion group because I don’t know what I should do!!!! For real, I am not giving excuses but their ideas and hand-writing are much more impressive than mine and everything is just perfect and what do you think I can help? It took me quite some times to try participating in the group discussion with outstanding group members.

Remember I told you I wanted to be one of the SBP or MRSM students before? I did apply for both but unfortunately during the test that will consider either I will get the offer or not for MRSM, I was down for a fever and it was very bad. I was coughing and sneezing in the computer room and the flu was running in my nose. Hahaha. It was very uncomfortable and I had no tissues with me and I looked terrible when I came out and I got rejected to be a part of the MRSM students. BUT, here I learned something which is, don’t ever get sick when examination is a few weeks left and since then I always take care of myself when any test is coming. (Oh wait, I did get sick and was hospitalised because I got high fever and done an operation during my mid-term exam when I was at SBP and that was the worst fever ever.)

 On 30th January 2015, I got an offer to be one of the SBP students. I was delighted since that is my dream which I had been praying for a year and two months. However, I won’t reveal to you the school I went. When I got the offer, I had never been there before so I did make a short visit from outside the school to know how the school was. I remembered I took a video of the school and I was really excited and amazed by the school as it is quite huge, new and obviously beautiful. But oh dear, this is another lesson I learned, never fall in love at first sight and I had deleted the video I recorded. My life was indeed miserable there, I really can’t adapt the environment, I was tired of trying and trying & I cried a lot. Even to write the experiences here also made my heart shattered into pieces, see how hurt the experiences for me? Hahaha. I am truly sorry if you are happened to be a SBP student and disagree with what I wrote but this is what I feel and maybe because the way I had been living for the past years are completely different than the days I was there. I did find someone who came out from MRSM and told to herself that she won’t ever put her sons or daughters in the boarding school, just like me and I did meet someone who also came out from either SBP or MRSM maybe and everyone was against her with her decision but I felt like hugging her on that time because I know how she felt. I started to hate my life there and it was countless how many times I cried and it was so surreal how I had no shame to cry because I just can’t stay there anymore and bear living like that. I had no intention to know the students and I can say, when I was there it was more about me living my life sadly and questioning why I didn’t make istikharah before I came. Hahaha.

And here I will share with you some of the experiences I went through.

But, as I told you before, it was only me or any few people out there (in Malaysia) who happened to be in the same boat with me but most of the students do enjoy studying and living there.

  • I am a very fussy person and everyone who knows me, they know I don’t like to share my things, I don’t like people touching my watch, my phone, sharing water tumbler, clothes and etc but all my friends understand and respect me for being that way. However, it was a norm to share things with other people when we were in boarding school and it was so hard for me on that time because I really hate sharing. Hahaha. There’s one day a girl asking me for my sport shirt and I looked at her hoping she understood that I don’t like sharing but she can’t get my looked and I innocently say I don’t like to share my things. I’m still new and for me to be that way was so risky.  Hahaha. I felt very bad about it literally but it’s so hard when you tend to have bad habit like this. Then, months passed my dormmates and friends tend to understand this but there is one day, it happened that I need to borrow someone clothes but I can’t borrow from my close friends because they need to use it as well. I can’t remember the detail of what, when, how but there is a girl in my form lent me her shirts and on that time, I was really touched. In spite of her beautiful face, she is so kind and that inspired me a lot to be kind to people around me but not with sharing things unless I’m the last person you can borrow ok. Hahaha.
  • Additional Mathematics class. This one was really rude for me but every add maths class my eyes barely opened and I always dozed off in class and I can tell you that I know nothing about add maths and to me add maths was really hard back then except for few topics. So, this is the perks of being outsider students where you won’t sleep in the class even how sleepy you are. #nolie
  • Every day, there must be a lesson that I need to sleep in the class and if not I can’t focus. This might only happen to me and if you haven’t been in a boarding school and if you are a determine person in achieving something, I am very sure you can overcome this silly problems. So, no worries okay. Gained the experience as much as you can!
  • Staying at the back of the class alone. Literally, it happened to be my place was near to the window and it was freaking hot so I took my table and placed it at the back of the class so I can be under the fan and I sit there alone. Hahaha.
  • Wearing petticoat. This one was also among the hardest one to do and I only wore the petticoat during the roll-call and take it off when I arrived school. I don’t think so my kain sekolah was jarang but you know it was one of the rules. -____-“
  • Noise. Oh dear, just imagine from a silent room with air-cond to study to twenty five people in the classroom with mosquitoes biting your leg sometimes. There’s also small insects or whatsoever you called it which came from the lights. Damn, it was so irritating and uncomfortable. At home, I studied with pyjamas on, but there I studied in my baju kurung and wearing my hijab. So, just imagine how much I hate my life and questioning my decision to study there ? BUT, in all seriousness, here is where I studied self-learning which I have applied in my life and because of this, I always be grateful to study my SPM with the comfort of home.
  • Be at surau before 6:15 a.m. ! This rule is the hardest one for me because I used to wake up at 6:15 – 6:30 before and now I need to be fully ready before 6:15. Wow! Can you tell me how much I miss home?
  • Wait for people to shower. Here, the worst habit of mine comes again. I usually take one hour for shower and I really can’t rush myself when it comes to shower. So, since I stayed in hostel on that time, I tried my best to make it fast since I was staying in hostel and I think those days I shower quite quick rather than I used to but I think people still consider it was freaking long but luckily after few months I knew there were a lot of showers down stairs and since that day, either it is morning or evening shower, I would go there for shower.
  • Most people will wear their clothes in the toilet but this was also the norm that I didn’t follow at all. Hahaha. And, I won’t explain to you why unless you’re my friends you would know I got disgusting over weird or little things.  Don’t get me wrong here, I still respect their norm by wrapping (is it this is the right word ?) my body with kain batik and covered my head with towel.
  • Almost everything I need to wait. Oh dear, just imagine, when it came to the meal time, I need to line up and wait for my turn. When it came to taking ablution, I need to line up which I never did at home and made me missed my home dearly.

Phewwww, luckily I stayed there for six months and two days only.

Anyways, I did try my best to settle myself but at the end of the day, I just couldn’t bear living my life in such way. My life was very miserable. I cried a lot and sometimes I did some crazy things just to get out from there. I remember every Thursday or Friday, I will find any way for me to let Abah allow me to be at home or at least asked for outing and if I’m not mistaken, there was two to three times, I flied. See, how bad I can be when I was at my lowest point? Hahaha. There also one day my mom turned up out of nowhere and we went to Sunway.

It took me few months to convince my parents to get me out of there with some people helping convince my mom who was my personal tutor when I was form three and my mom’s PHD student. I thanked them a lot. Even though, everyone was telling me it was a golden opportunity to be there but I was really firmed with what I wanted to achieve in life and what I looking for when I was there and I think I love my old school a lot more. People did tell me that I will be embarrassed if I came back to my old school and in all seriousness, I think only one person who kept asking me why I tend to  made the decision and honestly, it was irritating but luckily only one person being like that. Hahaha. In terms of teachers, none of them insult me. So, I think it is fine if you want to back to your old and maybe there’s one person who made you feel bad about it but as long as you know what you’re doing, ignore that one person in your life. I mean, we do need to look for criticise to be a better person but if it happened to be in an opposite way, don’t listen to that person.

I remembered giving gazillion of reasons to my parents to let me out from there and I told them how my life was but none of them agreed until I had given up and I started to rely 100% to God. ( And here where I learned another lesson which is, don’t ever  be too dependent to humans and always remember the Almighty is the one who can make the impossible to possible!) I remembered every rainy days and Fridays I will make time to recite yassin and pray that one day I will get out from there. However, my mom did ask me to consider my decision and pray to God since it was a golden opportunity to be there and every time I considered the decision, I did try to adapt again and again but turned out to no avail. The hilarious part was my mom told me, if I ever felt sad, looked at the mosque and prayed to God to make your life easier. Hahaha. I recite al-insyirah a lot when I was there and there was one day where I sit alone on the bench and looking at the moon while praying to God that I really really  really want to come out from there and I no more strong and He did listen to my prayers and I started to file all the documents to come out. And little did you know, what you might do when you are at your lowest point. It is countless, how many times I cried (hahaha) especially when I heard my mom’s voice knowing she’s living her life at such a nice place called home. It took one to two months until the day I received the letter that I can come out and once I received the letter, I had no idea how to tell you, how delighted I was and until today, I swear to myself, I won’t be there anymore. Even though, most people disagree with my choice since I will miss a lot of opportunities that coming once I am a SBP students but I don’t mind about those opportunities anymore. So, I am officially 6 months and 2 days as SBP student and now I know why God put me there. It was such a huge platform for me where I changed a lot becoming a better person, I become very positive when things against me and until these days I never stopped to feel grateful with what I had received in life because I know, there are so much people out there who happened to be less fortunate than me.

After I came out from SBP, everything turned back to normal and I came back with a happy person of me and with me being a better person. I remembered Pn. Teo hugged me and she said I had made a right decision until she asked my add maths result which turned me into silence.

If you asked me is it fine if you want to come out from your boarding school, my answer will be stayed there as long as you can because I gained lots of experiences which turned me into a new leaf. You also need to know the main reason why you can’t settle yourself there and think twice or thrice about your decision. After few months, if you still can’t settle yourself, make sure you come out before your final exam at your new school because there are a lot to catch up before your form  five year and I will tell you how I studied the whole book for almost every subjects in two months in coming post!

Now, I also understand why people say you need to come out from your comfort zone if you want to become a better person and after all when you are at your lowest point, believe me there is something amazing waiting you at the end of your roller-coaster life. Be patient and strong, God is always with you and keep praying!

For part two I will write about my life after I came out from SBP until the day SPM result was announced! But what I had achieved is just a little accomplishment but this might inspire some people without my acknowledgement because last year, I did search for blog like this to keep me motivated.

Have a great day everybody and remember always look at the good side because life is pretty amazing. ❤

Love,

HANIS

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