I will start by writing about my confident level and then go to my serious level. =)
If you asked me to rate my confident level from scale 1 to 10, I will say about 4.5 to 5.5 and it also depends on who I deal with. It obviously shows here, I have a massive level of confident and if you are wondering, I will tell you frankly enough, it is because of my EYES.
I do think multiple times before I have courage to upload this photo because I am quite embarrassed with this imperfection of mine but in case if you don’t know me, I just want to make you have a picture of me with my real eyes. Hahaha. Sometimes my eyes will look very bad like this photo and it makes me cry a
We probably know when people are talking, eyes and lips play the important role. These are the parts that people will look at us when we are talking. Maybe some people will say face but I’m a bit disagree with it and to me, eyes are the most part where people will look at us when we are talking even I also do the same thing but I rarely look at people directly if they’re not really closed with me because as I told you my eyes have dropped all my confident level. My eyes can’t really focus on something for a long time and if you want to see my eyes like a normal people, you need to talk to me very close which is the maximum length will be 32 cm. Hahaha.
Btw, I always got scolded because of my eyes by my teachers either when I was in in high school or primary school because they thought I didn’t give 100% focus when they were teaching but actually I was but when I focussed one of my eyes would not look at the place that I was looking at and that made my teachers thought I was daydreaming in class. Honestly, I hate it but what can I do? It was embarrassing when my teachers said that in front of everyone in the class but I will look at them and smile because I couldn’t see the point if I explained about it. I don’t know others opinion about me but when it comes to knowledge, I will give 100% focus to you but the presenter might assume that I am daydreaming because of my eyes and I can’t control them. Sometimes, I will close one of my eyes with my hand because that is the only way to show them that I am looking at them and this is because only one of my eyes can focus.
So, when I am having a long conversation with people who I don’t really know them, I will only look at their face once in a while to show them my respect and to let them know that I’m listening . However, this doesn’t work to some people especially to those who are used to talk with people by looking at their eyes and here where all my confident level goes down to 0.1% because they keep doing the face expressions that show please-look-at-my-face-because-I’m-talking-with-you! It is so so so stressful because I can feel the pressure of them wanted to ask me about my eyes when I look at them directly. Hahaha.
To people who I have known them for so long, they won’t really drop my confident level literally but when I am talking and they’re looking at my face passionately because they’re interested with what I’m talking about ( hahaha ) , here comes my uneasiness because I will think they’re no more listening but wondering about my eyes. The question that I think might pop up from their brains is “How she can survive living in this world with that eyes?” and when I see some people who are in my shoes, that is the only thing makes me want to approach them and ask but I’ve never done that yet for this time being because I also have no words for that. When I see them, I will be very shocked and I will look at them with full of questions in my mind, especially to those who are already get married and have kids. Those people might have very good personalities and that what make their husbands take them as wives in spite of their obvious imperfection and I always wish God blessed their husbands because it is impossible for me knowing someone who can accept this kind of imperfection because it is very obvious! As to me, once we got married, our partner will be like our trophy which we will be proud of having them. We will bring them everywhere we go and we need to look at their face every day. So, having a beautiful / handsome partner is vital. Hahaha. Do you agree with me?
Now, you know why I am still single. Hahaha. Because this imperfection makes me think no one will accept me and if I don’t have this imperfection, I might flirt with sooo many guys and have a long list of ex-boyfriends. Hahaha. However, I am quite proud with myself literally because even at this age, I’ve never been in a relationship. I don’t feel like being in a relationship because I hate looking at people being dumped by a guy. So, this makes me single and to me it is too early for serious relationship since I am just eighteen and I need to focus a lot more things other than this. In spite of that, please pray for me having a charming, romantic, gentleman, handsome and most importantly the one who can lead me to Jannah.
All in all, I honestly grateful because God gives me eyes to look while some other people are blind since they are young or whatever cases they might be, that make them can’t see anymore. I’m really grateful for having my eyes. I love my eyes so much and to me they are quite beautiful without this lazy eyes but when this lazy eyes happen which is most of the time, I just hate looking at my face on the mirror. I will either keep staring the mirror until my eyes back to normal or go away from the mirror. Looking fine with this kind of eyes hurts me a lot from inside actually and I am afraid if I won’t get married because of this. Hahaha.
I need to pretend not to look at the camera so I won’t get hurt after looking at my own photo. ;D
So, here comes my serious level.
Whoever know me, they probably know that I never get serious on something even when I am trying to be serious, they’ll bet that I will laugh at the end and it happens!
This is crazy !!!
I laugh for every single thing even when people get mad to me. What I mean here is, I will suddenly laugh just because I look at their face when they mad at me and that person will end up laugh too or look at me with a weird face, demanding for explanation. Oh dear, people might think I am crazy because of these but some people do laugh when they listen or watch me laughing and this is sooo weird and I also smile when I’m talking, it happens naturally. Is this weird too? :O
Sometimes, I need to tell them that I am really serious so they’ll trust me that I am serious but they still laughing at me when I’m saying that. I don’t even know what’s so funny and some people will pretend to be serious and say “I am serious too.” but end up laughing at the last word.
I HAVE NO IDEA WITH PEOPLE AROUND ME! HUH.
Last Sunday, my mom and I went for a sad movie and most people, back from the movie with red eyes and guess what ?!! When I was in the hall, I don’t even cry but I laughed when I listened to people sobbing to part that doesn’t even make me cry because to me it is just a movie ! But, I do feel like wrecking my head and screaming to know either I have feelings or not.
Ergh, this is so stressful! Hahaha.
So, that’s all for today! Thank you so much for reading because little did you know, how much support you have shown for me to keep writing by reading all my blogposts. =)